Letters to whom?
by mysteriesoftheworld
Summary: This is simply a collection of letters written from a young girl about life. It kind of folllows the style of perks of being a wallflower, but the story line is completley different and my own. Enjoy :)
1. The first letter

LETTERS TO WHOM?

Dear friend,

I am writing these letters because I think I need to write down my feelings of at least rant them to someone, even if I don't send them, I can at least feel like I'm talking to someone.

You know those days when you actually feel really pretty and good about yourself? Well that was me today. And trust me this doesn't happen often. I felt pretty and happy and carefree. Nothing mattered. So I do my usual routine of talking to my friends and all is good. But suddenly they don't reply. One by one they all stop talking and nobodies left. I feel as though I've annoyed them and it hurts because I was just being myself. And him. I haven't talked to him for 5 days. That is a record! We used to talk all the time, we never missed a day. I feel empty. I will refer to him as Mitchel because I don't want anyone knowing who he really is. When we used to talk I told him things and in return he told me things. And it just happened, I liked him. But I couldn't be sure if he liked me as he lived so far away and we never see each other. I don't know if he feels the same. Sometimes I get the vibe he does but then he talks about this girl he likes. He told me I could get a boyfriend easily and without trying. He said he knew plenty of guys that would 'go for me'. There is no evidence of this happening anywhere in my life. I don't even really talk to many guys. I have been told I am not immediately likeable and that if you don't know me I'm hard to start a conversation with. And I can get that sometimes I can appear that way. But if boys actually liked me I'm sure they would approach me.

Mitchell told my friend he thought we were best friends the other day. I felt disappointed when he said this but my heart kind of jumped as well. It's odd don't you think, that people mention you when you aren't even interacting with them? Not necessarily in a negative way, they just mention you, talk about you. It's kind of creepy when you go deep into thought about it. But he's the first guy I have ever felt close to. I talk to him more than my best friend.

I make these scenarios in my head. But sometimes they're not all even romantic ones; they're just ones where he's my best friend. This is one; _He runs down through the locker room and sweeps me up in a massive hug, he smells so good and I just snuggle into his chest. We head out to the grass and sit down. We sit for the whole lesson and through lunch talking, sharing secrets. Everyone says we should go out, I think that as well, so does he. We flirt, we play fight, we go on cute shopping dates together. _

Do you ever do that? Make up scenarios in your head of what life could be like, or am I just insane? But I think doing this makes me depressed… it makes me realise that my life is not like that. It reminds me I don't get to see him; I don't get to hug him. All I have is words sent. But that's not even happening anymore. I guess what I'm saying is that I love him. I think. But he likes someone else and it would never work. Ever. So I have to let got, I have to try and live my life like I did before I met him. The only problem with that is that I can remember what I did before I met him. Plus the fact that I don't want to let go.

Sincerely- teenage girl with a troubled mind.


	2. The second letter

Dear friend,

He replied! I was so relieved when he sent me that message! It turns out he was banned and im not allowed to talk to him because otherwise his mum will see. I am so annoyed that I haven't talked to him in like two weeks but I am so glad it was nothing I did wrong.

It's raining outside and had been all day. It's the type of rain I like, hard, dark and mysterious. To me storms are relaxing. It's like I can let out all that I've been thinking about and move on. Its rushes down the road, the droplets hitting the pavement, soaking the earth. I like it, thinking weather I should call it.

My best friend- Emma I will call her. I have been close to her for like 3 years. But lately she has been starting to annoy me. Like I don't want to do things with her, I find it hard to talk to her about things because she won't understand. Nobody understands me I don't think. Not even Mitchell and he's the one person I feel closest to at the moment. Do you ever get that feeling? Where you try to explain something and nobody gets it? Because I do. And if that means I'm the only one that feels this way then so be it.

I was thinking the other day. And this is something I do alot. When I finish school I want to move states. To where he is, Mitchell. I have always wanted to move from home but could never decide where. Now I feel as though Melbourne is the perfect place for me. The gorgeous city, the shopping and they have Starbucks! You don't know how depressing my city is. No Starbucks, no topshop, no Burberry, no Krispy Kreme's, no 7/11, nothing. We simply have nothing. I love the idea of somewhere new, fresh and amazing. I don't know if I should be feeling this at 15 though. I shouldn't want to start fresh, I shouldn't want to leave home. But I do. And I can't help that.

Scincerly yours- 15 year old girl looking for a fresh start.


	3. The third letter

Dear friend,

Life has been extremely busy as of late and I have not had much time to myself. But today I read a book, which got me thinking. And these are dangerous thought I usually think. The funny things is that wherever my thoughts start off, even the most unrelatable thing you can possibly think of, they all lead back to Mitchell eventually. I really want to say something to him, about how I feel. I know I won't and probably never will, and that's awfully depressing isn't it? I would tell him how I've moved way past a crush, he is the first guy I have liked this much. I cannot get him out of my head however much I try to he's always there. I would tell him how I missed our long conversations, before he like that stupid girl. I miss how we used to talk 24/7, the only exception being sleep. Whenever I had to go out he'd always complain. Now that doesn't happen. I would wake up to texts and that was honestly the best feeling in the world, waking up and knowing that someone had actually given a fuck about you, that they had actually missed you. And now it's almost as if I'm just fucking there. On the sidelines and all because of this girl.

I do wonder if he talks about me with his friends. I wonder if he gets jealous over guys who like my photos. I remember I once told him I was going on a date with my boyfriend, I believe this is how it went;

"I'm going out tonight"

"Oooh where?"

"With my boyfriend"

"I doubt that you liar"

"What, why? That's offensive"

"No I don't mean, I just"

"Be careful Mitch, you're digging yourself into a hole here"

"I'm not saying you couldn't get a boyfriend, like you could get one easily"

"I couldn't get one even if I tried, which is why I don't"

"I just would have thought you'd tell me if you had a boyfriend"

"I don't, I was kidding"

There you go, that was our conversation. We used to have so many good conversations, id tell him my secrets, in return for his. It was amazing, all I could wish for was that we lived in the same town and I think we could have gone out. Maybe.

Sincerely yours- I can't stop fucking thinking about him


	4. The fourth letter

Dear friend,

I ACTUALLY CANNOT BELEVE HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN! I HAVE SO MUCH TO TELL YOU!

Enough with the capitals I think… anyways I have been extremely busy these past few months. So much to update you on! Okay so Mitchel didn't talk to me heaps for a few weeks and when we did we didn't talk much. So to my shock I find out that he had been going out with the girl he liked for the past few weeks. And I was like "oh, okay. Let's not tell me that" But something that made my heart jump was the fact that he said he wanted to break up with her. I will NEVER understand boys. Literally 2 months ago he wouldn't shut up about how perfect she was and now he doesn't like her anymore? But this is good I guess and lately we have been talking a bit more.

You would remember a few months ago how I was a sad little girl obsessed with this boy and nothing else. I am proud to say that I have changed. I forced myself to get over Mitch and just to think of him as a friend. Of course I will always have feelings for him. There will always be something and I have accepted that. But no I don't HAVE to talk to him; I can go a while without needing to have a conversation. I suppose that's because I am so busy, but whatever.

I guess I'm also saying that I am not going to fill up my letters to you will bullshit about him anymore! And I think I'm a much happier person for doing so. Wait okay, just one more thing about him… I feel as though we've gotten a bit closer as well, like we can joke with each other more. Okay that's it! I swear!

Moving on to things that make you feel good in life. Running. I find it's actually a release of anger and emotion. I used to run heaps and be competitive. I made a pact with myself to go running a bit more and I bought some new shoes to motivate me! I have decided to get heaps fit. I know I am fit now but I just want to tone up a little, be healthy, and eat healthy. So besides being fit I have got into drawing again. I think just finding time to myself to do some of the things I enjoy is a good thing.

There is one thing I noticed that us girls remember. Compliments. Like whenever you feel like shit you just go back to compliments people have said to you over time. Seriously, give a girl a compliment and she'll remember it for the rest of her life. I do remember 2 years ago at a carnival I was walking along minding my own business when this guy walks up to me. He says "you are the most attractive girl I have ever seen" then walked off. I was in complete shock when he said this; I was like… um, okay. But see, even though that is two year ago; I remember it. And today my friend from dance was talking to this guy and said as a joke "she's hot isn't she?" Keep in mind this is a guy I have never met, he responds with "yeah, she is so hot." Like its things like that that can make you feel good. Anyways I have to go, it's the last week of term so hopefully I will have some more time to write… Maybe once a week? But that might be pushing it eh? Ps. I will include the fight that went on between my friends in the next letter.

Sincerely a girl who is much happier than she was a month ago


	5. The fith letter

Dear friend,

When I wrote to you earlier I was happy, I thought life was good. It's not that I don't now but honestly this week had been one of the worst a while. I fucking was so tired through this week and when I tried to talk to people about it they didn't comment. I talked to Mitch and he was a fucking useless, stupid boy. I mean I don't think he understood I wanted to have a deep conversation about the stuff I was going through. Okay I said I was feeling sick and tired and he just said nobody cares. At this point I just cried because I knew it was probably true. I told him go away if you're going to be mean and immediately started writing this letter. But just now I get a message asking me what's wrong. You know how one message from that one guy can suddenly make you feel better, well it's like magic. Suddenly I feel better and happier. But there's almost this feeling holding me back. Its kind of like I want to be sad. It's like I want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. I have never gotten to that point and I think I just need to get all my emotions out. But I am worried that I feel like I want to be upset. Nobody should ever want to choose sadness over happiness. Now he hasn't replied and he has seen the message. What the fuck! I am on the verge of calling him and talking for the whole night about every problem I have. But I know he won't answer. That's the worst part. I know he won't be there for me when I would be there for him.

Okay so I had to take a break from writing because I fell asleep. And then I forgot about this letter so a few days have passed. I was over him at one stage. I didn't have to talk to him but when I did talking to him over the internet was enough. Last night I got the sudden urge to actually fly over to him and talk face to face. I kept imagining scenarios in my head and to be honest it was overwhelming. I also imagined him having to move over here and he wouldn't know anyone but me and we would become really close and sigh. I just, I think that if we lived in the same city I would eventually tell him that I like him. Sometimes I get the vibe that he likes me. One reason is because he commented on two of my photos last week, and they were old photos so he would have had to of been stalking me. But then again maybe I'm reading into this too much and maybe I am well and truly in the friend zone. I asked him about that, the friend zone that is. I'm not sure if I've already told you this; but apparently girls are never in the friend zone. So… this means that I'm not in the friend zone. So I have the potential to be more than friends. Interesting eh?

You know how sometimes when you drive at night and you get this feeling. It's like when you feel like you're in a movie and that song is playing that just lifts you up? Well, I got this feeling and I started to think of him. And you know when you think of something good and you uncontrollably start smiling? But it's not one of those fake smiles it's real. So anyways because I'm on holidays I plan to head into the city tomorrow with a couple of my friends and get my mind of certain things…

Oh yeah! I did say I would tell you about the fight in my friendship group. And like many of the fights in my friendship group it only involved 3 certain people. They were arguing about people being best friends with other people and just stupid stuff really. But I felt as though our friendship group was splitting apart. And I am friends with everyone in our year if my group split I'm not sure where I would fit in. Let me explain how my group is probably seen. We are a group of 8 girls. No boys. We always sit off on the side. It's not like guys don't talk to us, they just don't hang with us. I have never had a close guy friend, ever. I suppose Mitch is the first one, probably one of the reasons I like him; he actually takes interest in me.

Another thing I have decided to do is visit Cambodia. I have always wanted to visit a 3rd world country and now my school has offered me the chance of going. Of course I have to pay for 3rds which is a lot of money for someone who doesn't get any shifts, but I'll get there eventually. I am really excited about going because I really want to help out over there and I think that this visit will mentally change my way of thinking. Also I love, love, love new countries and Cambodia is supposedly a beautiful country.

Sincerely teenage girl feeling meh


	6. The sixth letter

Dear friend,

I know I had only just written to you the other day but I need to get my feelings out. Okay so I was talking to Mitch last night, and he messaged me first! Yay! So it was a good conversation and he told me he was going to meet a girl he liked tomorrow. I was like okay yeah and I am totally fine with it I know I don't have any right to not be fine with it. I mean we aren't going out. But I only find myself disliking the girls that are Mitch's friends. That's when I get jealous, when he talks to other girls. I get jealous because that's what I am, his friend. And they are his friends and of course I would want him to like me better than them! Is that understandable or am I just being a completely selfish bitch? Probably the latter. And I was stalking his ex's ask page last night and apparently one of the reasons they broke up was because he talked to so many girls. It's not like he's a player, he just has lots of girl friends. Not to be confused with girlfriends. So that was some interesting news I found out last night. But something that is really doing my head in is not being able to see him in person. I am actually going insane over how much I am thinking about him. It makes me wonder; does he ever think of me? I am his friend so I must occupy some thoughts? Right? I am going crazy. Scenarios are running through my mind and ugh I'm not feeling fantastic, I'm feeling quite sad actually.

It is 160 days until I get to see him. And I know you might get the impression that we are really close, but to be honest the two weeks I spent with him were enough to cause a spark but we never got any alone time. I had always found him attractive from the very beginning and I guess always felt a little towards him. I really want to give him a massive hug when I see him and I know that have probably said that before… but it's on my mind! The only thing is that I don't know if hugging him will be awkward and I'm not sure what I'm going to say to him when we first meet. Maybe 'long time no see?' because it actually had been a full year. Sigh.

Alright new topic. I have been trying to get really fit the last few months but I'm not good at eating healthy. So I have been talking the dog for a walk every day this week and I went for a couple of runs but I seem to be staying the same. I'm not trying to lose weight, like I don't need too; I just want to tone up a bit in the stomach area. I am making a little progress but I still have a long way to go. I figure if I have a really good body then maybe there's a few extra brownie points for Mitch to like me ;) eh? Hahhaha I'm kidding… maybe.

Omigosh! Do you wanna know what just realised! I have term 3 holidays left. Then a term, then Christmas holidays! Which is when I get to see him! And I have a lot of things to get me through until the end of the year. Nationals, Cambodia, my 16th and a couple of parties. I'm pumped! So 2 terms to go! And I am going to make it!

Sincerely, excited child heheh


	7. The seventh letter

Dear friend,

I have been thinking about telling Mitch I like him for a while now. I mean what's the worst that can happen? He lives in another city for Christ sake. And I know he kissed that girl he went to see the other day cause he told me. He likes this girl a lot. He was so happy when he was telling me and I really am truly happy for him.

I was talking to my friend the other day and she said she found the perfect guy for me. I was like pfft yeah okay sure you have. Apparently he said I was really hot when she showed him a picture of me and told me to look him up. So I did. She went on about him saying he was really hot and had heaps good fashion sense. He does have a really good fashion sense but hmm I'm not really attracted to him. She seemed so excited about me and him so I'm not sure what I'll say to her… I want to be attracted to him though! Am I really want to start something with someone that maybe actually lives in the same state for fucks sake!

I know this is a really short letter so I'll wait a few days to send it off.

I can't believe it. I cannot fucking believe I just did that. I did it. Fuck. I told him I liked him. I don't know why but I did it. But the thing is I am surprised at how he reacted. Like he was so nice about it. He said he knows what it feels like when you can't say it back. He said he hates he can't say it back and he hates himself for making me feel sad. He said I deserve someone that can say it back. I told him he was making me cry (which he was). He said he felt so bad and he never wanted to see me cry, he said I didn't deserve to. Damnit! Why! Why does he have to be so fucking nice and why do I have to like him? Ugh! But he said anything can happen by when we next meet so? But I don't really know if I want anything to happen? Like things get awkward so quickly. But I feel kind of relieved I told him. Like had a smile on my face but I also felt sick to the stomach? Yeah? Mixed emotions. He said he was so shocked and he had no clue I liked him… he said he felt stupid because of stuff he has said. I tried to get it out of him but I have no clue what he was talking about. He was really surprised but said I was awesome and nice and so funny but he doesn't understand why I liked him. I don't understand either. How can I like a guy whom I spent only two weeks with in person then only talked to over the internet for the last 6 months!? I don't understand at all!

Anyways it's like 2 in the morning and I'm getting a bit tired so ill update you soon!

Sincerely I can't believe I just told him!


	8. The 8th letter

Dear friend,

Okay, so ever since I told him he has been a lot nicer to me and is talking to me alot which is good! I mean at one point I was kinds pissed off with him because I didn't want to talk to him all the time. But that's what I wanted a few weeks back and now I rather enjoy it. It's the last day of holidays today and I only woke up at 1… like I have to wake up 6 hours earlier to get to school tomorrow! You don't understand how much school depresses me. I have plenty of friends and I love each and every one of them. But when they're all together I get bored, like we sit there in our breaks and they just talk about stuff they think is funny but I don't. And I can talk to everyone in our year, minus the guys but I'm friends with all the girls but I don't see myself fitting in in any other group. I really want to somehow form my own group. This sounds perfect to me; Anna and the guy she likes (Mason), me (I would include Mitch but he doesn't live here), and a couple of other people. Like I don't have any guy friends and you don't know how much that thought depresses me. Like I just want someone who I can ask about what guys think and tell everything to. I mean, I can ask Mitch all that stuff, but we haven't spent that much time together and never really see each other in person. I guess I kind of want a boyfriend, but one that's not into showing off for his mates saying how far he has gotten with a girl and stuff. Someone exactly like Mitch, except that they go to the same school as me. Because in every way I think Mitch is one of the best guys out there. I haven't seen him in school or around his mates, but he's not into all that stuff, yeah?

I was watching this movie last night and it was so sad. I know if I were watching it by myself I would've cried but other people were there so I had to hold it together. I got a mixture of feelings from it. Like I was so happy when the main guy grabbed the girl and just kissed the shit out of her. It was so cute and perfect! But I got really upset cause I imagined Mitch and me in their position. I imagine so many scenarios like that and I guess they make me happy and sad at the same time.

Wish me luck at school tomorrow! I'm not sure how I will manage… Even though the weathers really crappy right now I think I might go for a run. So I promise I will write to you soon!

Sincerely I am happy and sad


	9. The 9th letter

Dear Friend,

He's changed. I mean he was bound to you know? In a matter of 7 months he has changed. Who am I to say he can't, who am I to stop him and tell him otherwise? You just can't do that. People do change, they grow and sometimes not into the person you would hope. I remember the sweet, innocent boy who was in awe of the world. He would be amazed at things I would tell him, he would take an interest. I remember when he talked to me all the time; I remember when he had a low self-esteem. Now he thinks he's all hot and girls love him. And I mean they probably do. It's just… I told him a while back I hated guys who thought too much of themselves and guys who were stuck up and rude. He has changed almost into that and the sad thing is he said he never wanted to be like that. I can't help him changing though. All I can do is let him be.

I have probably changed as well, I think I have? I probably care more about what I look like, I care about my hair, my face, what I wear. I care I don't have any guy friends and I care I am not popular. I don't want that for me. I want me to not be forced into what society wants me to believe. I want to be strong, be myself; make a difference. I have also become stressed and worried about things. I go through each day always waiting for something. I am always waiting for the weekend, for school to end, for holidays, waiting to meet people. I spend my life waiting. I pass each day without really living. Do you understand? I don't want to just use up a little of each day, I want to make the most of it; make the most out of every day, every moment.

Anywho I am extremely tired from Gold Coast! Omg it was such nice weather up there! Sunny every day! But I'm back home now; and it's raining which is making me depressed. By the way I placed third in dance at nationals and you would not believe it… 1st IN MY AEROBICS TRIO! I AM OFFICIALLY A NATIONAL CHAMPION! WHOOP! WHOOP! Sorry, I'm excited, can you tell? And I cried when I found out. I actually cried. You must be thinking what a pussy, but I have never place in my 5 years of competing! So I am allowing myself to cry out of happiness.

I promise to write soon as I have been busy lately; same excuse as usual I know. I am going to sleep now. Be safe, I don't want to lose you. I truly need you to talk to and rant my feelings.

Sincerely, girl who is lost


	10. The tenth letter

Dearest friend,

I know I say I have been busy every time I write, and the truth is I actually am I guess.

I actually can't even remember what I have told you about myself. One thing I may have forgotten to mention was how much I complain about work. I work on the checkouts in a retail store. I started in late November 2012 and for ages I complained every time I went, I hated it. But now I'm starting to like it which is good! And it makes you feel heaps grown up when you work and have a job and stuff.

You know how ages ago I was like I am so sad and depressed and I just want to be happy? Well now I can say I have been quite happy as of late. I never really watch T.V anymore, I just listen to music. I go for runs and walks and I even like catching the bus home by myself just because I like the feeling. I'm the type of person that will choose to be by myself instead of my friends. I mean my friends at school. Recently I have been getting kind of left out and it bothers me a little. Although my friends do sort of start to annoy me if I am with them too long. They always talk about catching up in the summer (when Mitch is here and all my friends at the beach) and if I'm being honest (which I am) I don't feel a need to see them really. I don't want to let them in on what I share with everyone in summer; it's my group, my family. I know that is an extremely selfish thing to say but it's how I feel. I have something special and I suppose I think that it will get ruined if everybody finds out how good it is.

I have tried for so long to convince myself not to like him. I wanted to like someone else, somebody who could like me back. He wants nothing to do with me anymore really and I'm trying not to give a shit. But the other day someone mentioned his name. I started to smile and was trying to stop myself; but I couldn't and it was then that I had to admit it. I still liked him. I knew it all along. I just needed something to remind me. My immediate thoughts were fuck. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I don't want to like him, I just want to not ugh!

Do you ever wonder if people find you pretty? Like they just watch you do something- like read or watch the cars pass by, and they just think "oh gosh that girl is pretty?" Because I do that all the time to people. The other day a girl told me I made it onto the 'hot list' some guys in our year made up. And also another guy was saying I was underrated and that I'm prettier than people think I am. For a fraction of a moment I believe them, I think I might actually be something worth looking at. But then I look in the mirror and all my self-doubt comes flooding back. You can't win I suppose; you just have to take the days where you feel pretty and make the most of them.

Anyway I am going to Cambodia really soon! Like a week! So I probably won't have time to write to you before then; it will be sometime after I get back

Sincerely Happy girl


End file.
